you know it’s still quite hard to believe that i’m pregnant.
Some of my Mother-In-Law’s friends were wishing me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday and hope i ‘sangkut’ with a child soon. They didn’t know yet about the little thing i’m carrying now.
No one has outrightly asked me how it feels like to be infertile and if i could explain it, it would be infertility is invisible.
You don’t lose anything. You don’t have visible scars nor will you die from it. But boy, it hurts.
Hurts so bad when you see numerous negative test results.
Hurts so bad when you see someone who just gave birth few months ago, got pregnant again.
Hurts so bad when everybody is celebrating Mother’s Day and all you have is that aching emptiness in your tummy.
And all you want is a child to hug you and smother you with kisses and tell you that they love you.
I know that emptiness. Too well.
When i found out i’m pregnant, i promised myself i will not complain excessively on the morning sickness, back pains and how i can’t fit into my pants. Neither will i be that annoying mom-to-be, stroking my tummy every minute in front of someone i know who’s dying to be a mom. Yes, while i deserve to be happy and blessed after all i’ve been through, i can’t shake off that feeling of being ‘lonely and hopeless’ away. That feeling of despair, bitterness & heartbreak.
But i’m human. I might forget. I might accidentally gloat and i apologize in advance.
If you are still trying to conceive, please know i understand how you feel. I really do.