First Trimester · IVF Journey · Pregnancy · Trying To Conceive

empty

you know it’s still quite hard to believe that i’m pregnant.
Some of my Mother-In-Law’s friends were wishing me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday and hope i ‘sangkut’ with a child soon. They didn’t know yet about the little thing i’m carrying now.

No one has outrightly asked me how it feels like to be infertile and if i could explain it, it would be infertility is invisible.
You don’t lose anything. You don’t have visible scars nor will you die from it. But boy, it hurts.
Hurts so bad when you see numerous negative test results.
Hurts so bad when you see someone who just gave birth few months ago, got pregnant again.
Hurts so bad when everybody is celebrating Mother’s Day and all you have is that aching emptiness in your tummy.

And all you want is a child to hug you and smother you with kisses and tell you that they love you.
I know that emptiness. Too well.

When i found out i’m pregnant, i promised myself i will not complain excessively on the morning sickness, back pains and how i can’t fit into my pants. Neither will i be that annoying mom-to-be, stroking my tummy every minute in front of someone i know who’s dying to be a mom. Yes, while i deserve to be happy and blessed after all i’ve been through, i can’t shake off that feeling of being ‘lonely and hopeless’ away.  That feeling of despair, bitterness & heartbreak.

But i’m human. I might forget. I might accidentally gloat and i apologize in advance.
If you are still trying to conceive, please know i understand how you feel. I really do.

12 thoughts on “empty

  1. Thanks babe. Yesterday was really hard for me. My fb newsfeed was full of mother’s day celebrations, pictures of my friends with their kids and it stung so bad.

    It’s a double-edged sword really. One half I’m very happy for my friends, but another half I’m dreading that I’m still the odd one out.

    But, what hurts even more is when friends unintentionally hide their good news in order to protect my feelings. I may be infertile, but I still want to know my friends’ good news and wellbeing!

    So, do go ahead and posts your pregnancy updates. If Im feeling shitty, I’ll just avoid reading for some time. But I know that I will catch up once I feel better. 🙂

    1. i know how it feels to be happy and so sad at yet another pregnancy announcement but yes, i wouldn’t want to be kept in the dark as well.

      Cheer on! I’m sure you’ll be a mummy soon too.
      This time round kena make sure you go all the way ok!

      1. Thanks babe! Yes, il give this clomid one last try. If never work, I’m going to ask the doc for other alternatives already.

        Anyway, will it be too much trouble if you blog about the costs of the ivf process?

  2. Wow !! I’m soo happy for you dyan…I’m soo happy till I cried while reading your post. Your ttc journey reallie inspire me. It gives me hope and strength to go thru mine. A big congratsz to you, mum to be!

  3. Hi Sis Dyan,

    Congratulations…Alhamdulilah….Have a smooth pregnancy ya…really happy for you..u definitely a one strong lady…. hope i can be as strong as you too…and hope ur bb dust melekat to me soon and to the rest of the TTC ladies.. 😉 More updates on your pregnancy journey aite….

    1. Thank you sis!
      Of course you’ll be just as strong. Women are just engineered to be this strong. It’s a mother instinct. 🙂
      And i hope the baby dust will melekat to you too. Insha Allah.

  4. I don’t know why I cannot like your posts! When I clicked “like”, the next time I come by, it wasn’t “liked” haiz. Anyway thank you for this post :`)

    1. ehhhh actually same tau! I liked your celine post smlm. then it dissapeared. i liked again then dissapeared. Hahahaha i liked again tadi. nak tgk it dissapear ke tak. so pls excuse me if you see so many notifications from me. hahahaha

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s