A letter to my daughter

Dear Nadya,

It seems like it was only yesterday when the nurses placed you in my arms and i could remember saying to myself “she’s gorgeous and how come she’s so hairy. That must’ve been Rusly’s genes.”

But i couldn’t stop looking at you, baby. We finally met. Our blind date. ❤
The girl who’s been kicking my ribs from inside.. I can still remember those tiny little kicks. I’m so thankful to be able to carry you in my arms. So thankful that Allah chose me to nurture you, and hopefully be a good muslimah, Insha Allah.

Nadya, all this time, when i hear people talk about unconditional love, i don’t know how it feels like. What is this unconditional love that everyone’s talking about and then you came into my life and somehow i can’t put it into words. It’s indescribable. But that’s how i feel for you, baby. I’m that screwed up mum who kept saying I Love You so many times a day. The one who’ll miss you when you’re sleeping and at the end of the day, before i sleep, i’ll watch videos i took of you earlier in the day. But even that couldn’t describe just how much i love you.

I had a hard time conceiving, baby. We waited 3 years before i had you.
Mummy went through a laparoscopy surgery to remove bad stuff in my body. Someday, i’ll show you the scars. It was the best decision i made. At that time, i was so scared, baby. Scared if i’ll make the wrong decision. What if it does not work out? What if after doing the surgery, i still won’t be able to conceive a baby. What do i do next?

Just so you know, you were an IVF baby. You were that fighter little embryo who burrowed your way through because Allah wants you to be part of our family. Because He knows one day, you’ll complete our lives and bring joy to our very mundane routine. I remembered taking lotsa blood tests, did self injections (because i do not trust Papa with the needles. Honestly, you shouldn’t too.) I ate really healthy food and made sure to surround myself with positive energy. I was very sure that i’ll fall pregnant. I went through a crazy 2 weeks wait, wondering everyday if one of the embryos i’ve transferred will make it to the finishing line. All i ask for is for one embryo to fight for a chance to live in this world. With me & Papa. That fighter is you, baby.

Few days shy of my blood test, you don’t know how nervous i was. I was initially determined not to test myself and just wait for the blood test. But oh well, your mummy is impatient because i had a strong feeling i was pregnant. I was very sure but i didn’t know what to expect. But i’ll be lying if i tell you that i didn’t have high expectations.

For the first time, the pregnancy test showed positive. I was so happy, i took so many tests! I’ve never had a positive before, baby. This was the first. Finally i don’t have the word “NOT PREGNANT” staring back at me. You don’t know the many times it made me cry looking at that horrible word. Not forgetting just how expensive those digital tests were! But yaaaaayyy i was pregnant, for real. The 1st time i heard your heartbeat, i had to control my tears. It was so surreal when the doctor said that your heartbeat is strong and everything else looks normal. Ya Allah, syukur sangat-sangat.

That’s you, when you were a tiny little foetus. That was the 1st time i kind of saw you from far. I love you already, baby. It was indeed love at 1st sight.

My 1st bump shot with you when i was 16 weeks. I didn’t even realised i had a bump. I thought i was… fat.

And then i went on taking lotsa other baby bump picture because you made me feel good and look good! Hahaha

My last bump-shot with you! I was preparing the nursery cos it’s one week away to your arrival and i was silently hoping you won’t show up earlier than you should cos your nursery wasn’t complete. (Your papa told me i look like a pregnant vietnamese maid in that pyjamas. He’s rude.)

Hours before you arrived! You gave me an easy pregnancy. I don’t think i even threw up. I had normal headaches but that’s it. No insane cravings either. You also gave me a quite drama-free labour. Everything went quite smoothly, Alhamdulillah.

And then you finally arrived on 14 January 2015 at 8.27pm. After 8 hours of labour. It was painful but no regrets at all. You came out at 3.215 kg and 53cm. So tiny and cute.

I miss those peesh-ball cheeks.

Today, you’re 1 year old. I love you more than ever.
Everyday i look forward to doing new things with you. I smile when i see you give me that cheeky smile. It’s been a great 1 year, baby.

The best 1 year i’ve had. True, it’s challenging. At times, i get so frustrated with my new job as a mummy. It’s not you baby. It’s me.

But you taught me patience. Many times, you tested my patience too. Lol.
Each day i pray that Allah keep you safe from harm and hope that he’ll  never take you away from me and keep you close to me all the time.

I’m not the best mummy around but i promise i’ll try my best. Someday, i would want to hear you telling your friends “my mummy is the best mummy in the world.”

Someday, baby.

Here’s to 1 year of us being together.
1 year worth of cuddles & kisses.
1 year of achieving milestones.
1 year of me surviving motherhood.

When you cry, please know i’ll always be there to wipe your tears.
It brightens my day when you’re happy and i always look forward to see you smile.

Happy Birthday, Nadya Raessa.
I love you. So, so much.