Her, Reflections

Bliss. Blessed. Thankful?

Was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and she commented on how blessed i must have felt now that my life is almost complete.
But no, i’ve never felt i’m blessed. Not that i’m ungrateful with the many good things that has been happening. I just feel that it’s not a word i’ll use on myself.

Thankful, maybe.
I’m thankful with what i have now. Thankful with what Allah has planned out for me.

Blessed is too big a word to describe me.

Growing up, i didn’t have much. I grew up with five other younger siblings. Being the eldest, i learned i have to share whatever i have. Sacrifice certain things in life just so my younger siblings can have a piece of the cake as well. We were not born with a silver spoon. Never had a birthday party exclusively done for me. Actually i really can’t remember if there was ever a birthday cake when i was young. But i was contented because i have sisters to play with and brothers to bully. Even if i always have to share my food with them.

Education-wise, i was never book-smart. I’ve always considered myself more street-smart than book-smart. Either way, there’s really nothing wrong. I wasn’t exactly interested in school so even though i managed to scrape through exams now & then, it was never my intention to further my studies. That and also because i know my parents would probably have to sell their souls to put me through endless tuition classes and with five other younger siblings, that is quite impossible.

But i know i’m always thinking out of the box hence the decision to set up The Card Maison at 23.
It wasn’t easy though. I had zero marketing knowledge. I was also not much of a risk taker. But i had ideas. Plenty of it. I’m always thinking of how to make money. It would be fair to say i was quite money-driven since young. Executing those ideas weren’t easy though but i was contented with having few orders each month. I was excited when i met my 1st client, i still remember where we met and how they looked like. I didn’t have much contacts in the wedding industry then. I was scared to network and stayed in my comfort zone for a very long time. But i learnt as i grow.
Fact: i will never refer myself as a CEO of The Card Maison or a Managing Director or any of that fancy titles. When people ask me what i do, i’ll them i run a home-based business. Because really that’s what i do. I run a business from home. Until i have an office of my own and manage staff of my own, i’ll never call myself a CEO.

Relationship-wise, i grew up having so many ex-boyfriends. Some that i have loved & lost. Some that i wish never did appear in my life.
Really, i was a train-wreck in relationships. I was needy & clingy and my life revolved around the men i love and then i met H, who i was in a relationship with for 5 years, had two girlfriends behind my back, got engaged with one and got married with the other one after that and all the time, i was left clueless. For all the shits i put up, being with him, it really did made me wake up for good. After that relationship with H, i was no longer a needy girlfriend. I couldn’t give a damn if my partner go MIA the entire day. I couldn’t care less. I became a tough cookie. Too tough that subsequently, i broke off my engagement with an ex-fiance, less than a year before the wedding, because i realized i didn’t care that much for him. I didn’t really love him. I couldn’t see myself with him in years to come. It came as a shock to everybody but it was the best decision i’ve made for that relationship. Today, i still think i wouldn’t be able to love him like he loved me. He was in fact one of the nicest partner i had. But i didn’t love him. I stayed with him because’s nice and faithful, unlike H. It was only after that, i met Rusly. It was a whirlwind romance. We fought a lot during the initial period because of our strong characters. But i love this man a lot. I also think i met Rusly at the right time. At that time, i was no longer needy. We wouldn’t have lasted, if he had met me earlier. So yes, my husband may not be better than yours, but i’m contented. I’m thankful i have him.

Life after marriage was surprisingly smooth. Yes we got our flat before the wedding and all but we had problem conceiving. We all know how hard it was for me to conceive. The many times i broke down and cry in the toilet because i refuse to let Rusly know how dissapointed i was. The time when i was told my tubes are blocked and that day on the hospital bed, i cried alone at night cos i’ll never have the chance to conceive naturally again cos both tubes were gone. I never did tell anybody i cried so hard at the hospital because i figured if i put up a brave front, then everybody won’t feel they’re treading on thin ice. But i was heartbroken. I felt like it was the greatest test from Him. But i was thankful to have survived the surgery. Thankful to know that IVF can help me & Rusly to conceive and so thankful when we finally got pregnant.

So yes, i wouldn’t exactly say i’m blessed cos nothing comes easy for me. So for all the good things He gave me, i’m thankful.
But i’m also always cautiously happy because i know, He can take it all back from me in a split second.

2 thoughts on “Bliss. Blessed. Thankful?”

  1. You are a humble girl with a sensible head. I like your entries and you can be good role model for Malay girls out there. Both you and your hubby will make good parents, Insya Allah.

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